In parts 1-3 of this series, we looked at using imagination, setting the scene and good communication to bring the blaze back in a relationship. This week, we look at keeping the fire burning.
4. Fires Need Fuel
To keep a blaze burning bright, oxygen is necessary. The chemical reaction cannot happen in the absence of air. To keep a relationship ablaze, fresh ideas and continuing communication are necessary. Excitement can quickly turn to boredom if the same patterns are repeated all the time. Most couples have some tried and true methods to turn each other on and many have standard ways to bring each other to orgasm. Even tried and true methods will fail if these are always the same.
In part 3, we looked at role play as a way to bring newness back into the sexual relationship. To make sure role play is incendiary, we need to make sure that we talk about the experience afterwards. One way to keep the heat going is to write about the experience. Telling the story brings the experience back. It gives you the chance to give feedback to your partner in an entertaining way, focusing on the bits that you liked the most and giving creative suggestions for those bits that didn’t work so well. It allows a fresh perspective. If you don’t like to write, try recording yourself as you tell the story.
Sometimes role plays centre around places but most often they centre around characters and stories. Another way to turn a banked flame into a roaring fire is to change the place where you choose to become intimate. Before you bend your partner over your desk in his office, make sure that you are not risking him losing his livelihood. Think about how you can have the thrill and an acceptable level of risk. Some people are adrenalin junkies and like high levels of risk. If you are one of these folk think things through before acting on your desires. You have to decide whether you are truly willing to risk losing your job or even your life. Think things through and be very clear about the real level of risk.
Finally, consider taking your partner on a mystery fantasy journey. Margot and Jane spent lots of time talking about all the sexual escapades that they hoped to get up to in the coming year. For Jane’s birthday, Margot surprised her by setting the scene to act out her fantasy having a sexual encounter with a high priced escort. Margot left Jane a note telling her that they would be out all evening and to dress provocatively. Because they had talked through the details of this fantasy many times, Margot felt secure that Jane would enjoy the scene that she created. Jane was told to put on a thick leather blindfold and sit down on the bed and wait. Jane was taken to a friend’s house where Margot was waiting, in character. The evening was a great success. Jane told me afterwards that Margot was completely believable and that because she spoke with an accent, at first she had been unaware that it was her lover speaking to her. The key to this type of surprise working is good communication before the surprise. The more you know about your partner’s desires, the more likely it is that whatever you plan will be well received. Remember that when planning a surprise for someone the focus should be on HER fantasy rather than on yours.
Next week we will wrap up this series with my top 7 suggestions for a steamy sexy encounter. I look forward to your suggestions to fuel the fire below
Light Your Fire!