Do you stop yourself from fantasizing? Are you worried that there is something wrong with you because of the things that make you hot? Here are three myths that keep us from enjoying our sexual imaginations.

Myth Number 1: If you fantasize about something it means you want to do it in reality.

The ground-breaking work from the Kinsey Institute in the 50’s and 60’s found that 69% of women and 84% of men had sexual fantasies. Some of these were of usual activities, some had full stories and others were just fleeting images.

Further research and clinical experience highlights the wide variety of subjects for fantasies and that almost everyone has fantasies.

If something turns you on, it does not mean that you want to act on these feelings or even that it would be good for you to act on your feelings. Lots of things turn us on that would not be practical in reality. Most adults have a fantasy about a famous person and many of us more than one famous person! The likelihood of making that fantasy a reality is not high unless you travel in the same circles as your desired sexual playmate. Many of us fantasize about people we work with but think better about jeopardizing our employment by having a sexual encounter with the boss or with a co-worker.

Sometimes our favourite fantasies lose their turn on power if we bring them into reality. Most people have a few staple fantasies that are guaranteed to bring them close to orgasm.   If a fantasy isn’t as exciting when you try to recreate it in ‘real life’ then it can lose its erotic power. If the fantasy has been one that you have had since you were a teenager, this can feel disorienting. Sometimes it can cause a person to call into question key aspects of his sexuality. The moral of this tale: Some things should stay a fantasy.

Myth Number 2: Fantasies mean that you are unhappy with your relationship.

This is related to the idea that people in relationships don’t masturbate unless they are unhappy. Both are completely false. Fantasy is a place to relax, to try out ideas and to start to explore.   Most adults fantasize just as most adults masturbate.  In fact, sharing your fantasies with your partner is one of the ways to add fire to your relationship. If you feel awkward about sharing your fantasies directly, find some erotica that tells the same story and read it aloud to your partner. If you feel awkward reading aloud, leave the book on her pillow.

Myth Number 3: You can find your ‘true’ sexual orientation or your ‘true’ gender identity by examining your fantasies.

This is usually false. Kinsey and later research has found a high percentage of people have both same sex and opposite sex fantasies.   You can find new avenues to explore by looking at your fantasies. However, having a fantasy does not equate to your primary sexual orientation or gender orientation.

Fantasy is the place to experiment and rehearse as well as explore.   Fantasy can start the fire on days when it is merely embers. Fantasy can supply excitement when shared with a partner.   Cherish your fantasy life and enjoy the benefits of a healthy imagination.

Next time I will talk about how to have that deep connection with your partner – the kind that makes all your intimate hours smoking hot.

I look forward to hearing about how you feel about fantasy and how you use fantasy in your sexual lives below.

Until next time

Light your fire!

In parts 1 – 4 of this series, I gave you tips on communicating, creating the space, using imagination and role play to bring back the sizzle in your sexual relationships.

In the last part of this series, I end with 7 suggestions for a steamy sexual encounter.

  1. Choose your time. Do you want an intense quickie or a long detailed sexual scene? Both can be sizzling hot as long as you choose your time and protect it. There is nothing worse than being interrupted by friends, family, colleagues or bosses.
  2. Almost naked is often sexier and than naked. Tease your partner by wearing something provocative that gives a clue to where you want to go. Where something sparse and silky for a romantic encounter, or perhaps a costume to spark the tone for a fantasy. Dress as a pirate,   put on some leather and motorcycle boots, wear clothes that you don’t mind losing if she rips them off of you.
  3. Learn the art of surprise. Surprising someone is an art you can learn. The best surprises are full of details that tease and delight. The more you know about your victim, the better the surprise will be.
  4. Use a blindfold. Restricting vision means that you can concentrate on the other senses. Use your voice to lead your partner into your lair.
  5. Invest in noise cancelling headphones.   Add these to the blindfold and watch your partner’s excitement sky rocket! Play music that you know will entice or just surround him with silence. Then concentrate on touch, taste and smell.
  6. Plan well.   Spontaneous is fun but even spontaneous can be planned for. If you like to be spontaneous, have a ‘go bag’ in your car or in the closet by the door filled with essentials for steamy sex (lube, condoms, other birth control, sex toys, blindfold and anything else you can imagine)
  7. Make it last. Build up to the experience by talking about it, texting about it, emailing about it. Leave little notes or voice messages. Extend the experience after with texts, calls, emails, notes. Take some suggestive pictures and send them to your lover afterwards.

I would love to hear your suggestions for steamy sex below. Next month I will look at favourite fantasies and help you to make them a reality. I will highlight myths relating to fantasies and help you to get over any fears you have about trying out some slightly edgier sex. Until then

Light your Fire!

In parts 1-3 of this series, we looked at using imagination, setting the scene and good communication to bring the blaze back in a relationship.  This week, we look at keeping the fire burning.

4.   Fires Need Fuel

To keep a blaze burning bright, oxygen is necessary. The chemical reaction cannot happen in the absence of air. To keep a relationship ablaze, fresh ideas and continuing communication are necessary.   Excitement can quickly turn to boredom if the same patterns are repeated all the time. Most couples have some tried and true methods to turn each other on and many have standard ways to bring each other to orgasm. Even tried and true methods will fail if these are always the same.

In part 3, we looked at role play as a way to bring newness back into the sexual relationship.     To make sure role play is incendiary, we need to make sure that we talk about the experience afterwards.   One way to keep the heat going is to write about the experience. Telling the story brings the experience back. It gives you the chance to give feedback to your partner in an entertaining way, focusing on the bits that you liked the most and giving creative suggestions for those bits that didn’t work so well.   It allows a fresh perspective. If you don’t like to write, try recording yourself as you tell the story.

Sometimes role plays centre around places but most often they centre around characters and stories.   Another way to turn a banked flame into a roaring fire is to change the place where you choose to become intimate.   Before you bend your partner over your desk in his office, make sure that you are not risking him losing his livelihood.   Think about how you can have the thrill and an acceptable level of risk. Some people are adrenalin junkies and like high levels of risk. If you are one of these folk think things through before acting on your desires. You have to decide whether you are truly willing to risk losing your job or even your life. Think things through and be very clear about the real level of risk.

Finally, consider taking your partner on a mystery fantasy journey.   Margot and Jane spent lots of time talking about all the sexual escapades that they hoped to get up to in the coming year. For Jane’s birthday, Margot surprised her by setting the scene to act out her fantasy having a sexual encounter with a high priced escort.   Margot left Jane a note telling her that they would be out all evening and to dress provocatively. Because they had talked through the details of this fantasy many times, Margot felt secure that Jane would enjoy the scene that she created.   Jane was told to put on a thick leather blindfold and sit down on the bed and wait.  Jane was taken to a friend’s house where Margot was waiting, in character.   The evening was a great success. Jane told me afterwards that Margot was completely believable and that because she spoke with an accent, at first she had been unaware that it was her lover speaking to her.   The key to this type of surprise working is good communication before the surprise. The more you know about your partner’s desires, the more likely it is that whatever you plan will be well received. Remember that when planning a surprise for someone the focus should be on HER fantasy rather than on yours.

Next week we will wrap up this series with my top 7 suggestions for a steamy sexy encounter. I look forward to your suggestions to fuel the fire below

Light Your Fire!

In weeks 1 and 2, I set the scene to help you begin to bring back that flame.  I spoke about creating space and time to for you, to focus on your sexual life and make it a priority.  This week, I move to looking at starting the fire.

3.  Fire needs a reliable source of heat: Role Play as a Fire starter

When we are children, many of us engage in ‘make believe’ games in which we take on a variety of roles. We act out characters in favourite movies. We pretend to be princesses and princes, cowboys and Indians, pirates and captives.   These games allow us to try on different ways of behaving, different personality traits.   There are endless stories to re-enact and endless opportunities to try on a new role.   As we get older, we become less comfortable trying on new roles in front of others. We feel vulnerable, afraid to show a variety of different sides of ourselves for fear of rejection and ridicule. We become locked in behaviour and response patterns. Role play gives us a way to unlock these patterns and introduce some novelty back into our intimate relationships.

I hope that you did some research when you were finding fuel for the fire in week one. Sharing your fantasies is often as exciting as the role play itself. Decide which game you want to play. Make sure to give enough details about the characters so it is possible to create the roles. Try to create scenes that use all of the senses.   For example, if you are playing teacher/student, you might make sure that the room smells like an old school room or if you are playing doctor, make sure the room has a bit of that antiseptic smell. Make sure to include in this discussion any possible emotional triggers and be clear about what happens if someone gets triggered.

Don’t try to script the whole session. It is rare that a role play follows a script to the letter unless the participants are professional actors. The point is to have fun so only script the parts that are essential to the turn on. For example, if hearing him growl makes your panties drop, make sure that he knows it. Flexibility is the key to a great role play scene. The ability to laugh at oneself is also an essential ingredient. There are times that no matter how sexy the idea seemed, the enactment turns out to be funny.

After the scene is over, set aside some time to discuss the experience. Talk about the things that worked well and those that did not. All the information you gather gives you fuel for the next time you decide to become other people.   The more experience you gain, the more creative the scenes you can plan and enact. Scenes need not take place at home in the bedroom. They can begin in all sorts of places and end in the bedroom.   The can end in more adventurous places.   Complicated scenes can involve other people. There are many places to gain inspiration.   All you need is courage and imagination.

For an in depth look at role play, join me for my next role play seminar series on line or join me in person at the next Role Play For Lovers Intensive. Details can be found on the events page.   A list of resources for inspiration can be found in my ebook: Fuel for the Fire.

I look forward your ideas about role play below.   See you next week for part 4 – Fanning the Flames.

Until then

Light Your Fire!

  1. Creating the Space for Sex: Creating the Fire pit

Last week we talked about the need for fuel in order to build a fire and keep it ablaze. I gave you some ways to try to spark your imagination. This week, we look at how we create the space in our lives, environments and relationships for a sexual bonfire.

Lack of time is the biggest reason couples cite for letting their sex lives become routine. Life is so busy that creating time for intimacy can seem an insurmountable task.

To create time, start by comparing diaries and blocking time out for intimacy. This feels artificial and often people complain that sex should always be spontaneous. In the modern world, spontaneity is far more difficult. If setting a whole evening aside seems too daunting, start with an hour or two.

Make sure that there is a private space available. Make sure that either the children are well asleep or better yet, cared for by someone else.   If having time at home is difficult, consider renting a hotel room for a couple of hours.   Or perhaps you can grab an hour or two at home while the kids are at school? Create time every week. You will establish this habit the same way you establish other habits. The more you stick to it, the easier it becomes to find the time.

Lack of space is the second reason couples cite for letting their sex lives become routine. Often this refers to the lack of private space available to explore. Sometimes this refers to a lack of safe emotional space to explore.

In order to feel emotionally safe, we need to know that we will be heard and not rejected as a result of what we disclose. This can be very challenging. Think of a time when someone told you something that you found strange. Did you laugh or show your feelings on your face? Often people laugh when confronted with things that they find strange, frightening, or upsetting. If you laugh when your partner discloses a desire, this can be taken for rejection and make it far less likely that your partner will disclose a desire again.

The first step in creating emotional safe space is to practice hearing without reacting.   Start practicing by reading dialogue from a book. The person who is practicing listening will place all of her attention on her partner. The partner will then read short dialogue from a book in which someone is disclosing something that might provoke an emotional reaction. For example: “Fuck me, feed me, or get out” or “I hope you’re ready to play the game you started”. It is the listener’s job to stay focused and not react emotionally.   If you react emotionally, take a brief break and discuss what it was that caused the reaction.  Once you are both able to keep focused and not react to the words of a stranger, you can practice with your own words. Keep things light hearted until you both feel secure that you can handle any intense feelings that arise together. End practice when you have accomplished something positive.

Next week we will look at role play as way to make sex incendiary.

As always, I look forward to your comments below.

Light Your Fire!

Do you wish your relationships could be as full of fire as they were when you were younger?  Or was your sex life never as smoking as you wanted it to be?  This month we look at five easy ways to bring back the blaze. If you want a lasting relationship, good sex is essential.

For sexual relationships, imagination provides fuel.  The biggest cause of sexual boredom is not knowing your partner ‘too well’.  The biggest cause is getting stuck in a routine – the same activities in the same place in the same order on the same day and so on.

1 Fires Need Fuel

  1. To provide fuel, start by looking at your favourite fantasies.    Notice the elements that really turn you on.  Is it something about the activity?  Are you doing something with your partner that you don’t do in reality?  Is it something about the environment?  Are you in a place where you might get discovered?  Is there a story being told?  Perhaps you are a pirate and capturing a maiden and holding her for ransom.
  2. Next remember any stellar sexual experiences from your past.  Is there something you want to repeat?  Is there something you can build on?
  3. Have a look at some erotica.  You can watch movies, look at images or bring out that favourite book.  Reading to each other can really increase the heat!
  4. If you are collecting ideas on your own, be sure to make a note of them.  You might put them in order from most exciting to least exciting so you are ready to talk about them with your partner.  If you are collecting them together, pick one or two to talk about in more detail, and keep a note of the others for later discussion.

In order to spice things up, the first step is to find new ideas.  This can be almost as much fun as putting the ideas into action.  There are many places you can look for inspiration.  The only limit is your imagination!

Stay tuned for the next way to bring back that blaze.  Or if you want a plethora of ideas and strategies, join me for the A to Z of Sex workshop, details of the next one can be found below.

Please comment below!

until next time when we will look at creating the space for sex…

Light Your Fire!