Dr Lori Beth Bisbey started broadcasting The A to Z of Sex® in October 2016. As the result of an unknown internet issue, 79 early episodes disappeared from podcast providers (though they are all still available on Captivate where all of the episodes live and on atozofsex.com).
We are republishing the episodes to all good podcast providers along with our regular content until all episodes are available. This episode was recorded in 2017.
Hi everyone! Welcome to the second series of the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is A and A is for Anal.
In heterosexual couples, anal play and anal sex are often seen as difficult to approach or even taboo. For many, anal play and anal sex are seen as kinky and reserved for only those partner who they are most committed to. Some of my clients did not save their virginity for their husband but did save their anal virginity for their husband!
There is stigma around heterosexual men who enjoy anal stimulation. Often they worry that they are bisexual or gay. They can become concerned about how their women will view them and whether they will be seen as submissive. Some men who enjoy anal stimulation and anal sex (pegging) are submissive. Others are not.
People have many health concerns relating to anal play and anal sex. HIV is more easily transmitted through anal sex because the lining of the anus means there are more likely to be slight skin breaks and this way the virus gains entry into the blood stream. Because fecal material exits the body through the anus, there is often some still inside and so any oral anal play runs the risk of all the infections carried in poop. Condoms, finger cots (for those 1 finger adventures), gloves and dental dams are essential to preventing transmission of infections. Many people like the feel of lamb skin condoms but these can be virus permeable so don’t rely on them for protection from infection. Oil based lubricants on latex condoms are a problem so stick to water based or silicone (which stays slippery longer). Don’t use condoms with spermicide as this will irritate the membrane.
Don’t move from anal play to vaginal or oral play without washing with antibacterial soap. This goes for using fingers, dicks, dildos, fists.
Anal sex can be extremely erotic but people are often put off because they are afraid it will be painful. The job of the anus is to expel waste so the motion is to push poop out. When you are engaging in anal play, you are doing the opposite – you are pushing things in and you want the anus to relax somewhat in order to allow the fingers, tongue, toys or dick inside. If you move too quickly, your anus can go into spasm and this can hurt intensely.
The anus is richly populated with nerve endings and these nerves are connected to the rest of the pelvic region. It also contracts rhythmically when you have an orgasm.
The sphincter is made up of two rings of muscle and they function independently. The outside muscle or the external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system so you can easily tense and relax it whenever you want. The internal muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system which also controls response to stress amongst other things. This muscle reacts badly to fear and anxiety so if even if you are trying to relax, it will tense up automatically if you are frightened or anxious. It is worth it to spend time learning all you need to know to decrease anxiety and fear before engaging in anal sex. If you go slowly and are prepared you are far more likely to have a good time. You can learn voluntary control of the internal muscle. This is a gradual process and starts with becoming aware of the muscle.
Since poop is often in the anus, it can be a good idea to make sure you are extra clean and the best way to do this is to do an enema which will clean you out completely. If someone is going to be penetrating the anus with fingers, make sure nails are cut short and filed smooth.
You will have the best results if you are already very turned on before you start experimenting. Analingus can be easiest to manage. This is when someone licks and tongues your anus. For this to be safe, a barrier must be used. The anus doesn’t produce lubrication of it’s own so for anal penetration lots of lubrication is key. Saliva does not work well despite what you see in porn films – it dries up too quickly. Water based or silicone lubricants are the best and use lots.
I know that I have said this before, but going slowly can make the difference between an amazingly hot experience and tears. Taking your time makes it possible for relaxation to occur. Start with one finger, then increase slowly until your partner is comfortable enough for you to try penetration. Don’t forget to continue to touch your partner – the rest of the ass, thighs – stroking so that you keep up the level of arousal.
Don’t look at the porn movies as the gospel in how to go about this. The reason they can go in hot and hard is that they start opening up before the cameras roll and the actors and actresses have lots of experience with anal sex.
If you have never really explored your anus as a sensual area of your body, spend some time doing so before having another person do so. You can do this with your fingers, a small vibrator (there are anal vibrators), or a butt plug. Butt plugs come in many materials and sizes and shapes. In my opinion, the easiest for a beginner are those made of latex or rubber and a relatively small size in the shape of a diamond. You can even take some time to build up your comfort by moving from a smaller toy to a larger toy.
Usually people begin anal with the person receiving lying on their front but not all people manage anal sex best this way. Depending on the size of the dick or dildo, this can be the most difficult position as penetration tends to be the deepest. So consider different positions (quasi-missionary, side by side) as you begin and see what feels best.
There is a lot of fun to be had using your fingers. Start with finger tip, progress to full finger and try out different strokes with that finger. Then consider adding another finger or two. Build up slowly and enjoying seeing how your lover reacts to each new sensation.
Anal pleasure comes in a bunch of forms. The outer portion of the rectum has lots of nerve endings and this brings one type of pleasure. The inner portion responds to pressure primarily. Feeling the pressure is another type of pleasure as is that feeling of fullness. People who enjoy fisting (which is as it sounds – when a person uses his or her fist to penetrate someone either anally or vaginally) enjoy intense pressure. Anal stimulation can cause orgasm without any other stimulation. If you want to go for multiple anal orgasm, try using anal beads.
For some folks, the whole act is so forbidden that it makes it really difficult to accept and enjoy any anal play. This can be even harder for men than women as some men feel that enjoying this type of play calls their masculinity and sexual identity into question.
Prostate stimulation can be incredibly erotic for a man and bring on extremely intense orgasm. To begin, use a finger and as with all of this, take your time. Some call the prostate the male G spot and there is even a technique to massage the prostate for intense pleasure but without ejaculation. The prostate stores semen. Apparently the more full of semen the prostate, the hornier a man will be. There are a whole host of toys specifically designed for prostate massage. Many are designed to be hands free which means you can have your hands to do other things.
Pegging is when a women uses a strap on dildo to penetrate a man’s anus. There are a variety of things to think about before you begin. If your man has never been fucked before, you need to start slow as you would with anyone who has never experienced this before. Start with getting used to anal stimulation using fingers, then move to small toys and then move to larger toys. Even small dildos are not small and they feel much larger when being pushed into an ass!
Women who are not experienced using strap ons and dildos do best if they practice the getting ready and the fucking movements before trying to do this to their man. Having an artificial penis changes your center of gravity and the movements you make to fuck someone well are different than those you make when you are in the receptive role. I learned about this when I had a girlfriend who wanted me to fuck her. I took lessons from my husband in order to learn how to do this properly. You can check out my blog about this adventure on Yourtango.com (It’s called That Time My Man Taught Me How to Do Another Woman with a Strap-On). There was a lot to consider in even choosing a strap-on from picking the harness or belt to picking a dick that felt right to me. For me, the belt that worked best was a sports model as it allowed me most control. I chose a cock that matches my skin tone and was a little larger than the average man but not jumbo size. When you are doing this, you need to consider who you will be using the dick on. You can always get a selection so you have variety for the same partner or with different partners.
Once you have practiced a bit, start slowly with your partner. Use lots of lube and give him time to adjust as you push in deeper. Consider trying one of the spooning positions which is sometimes easier for the person being pegged to handle as penetration is often not as deep. Relax and enjoy the experience. Relaxing makes all anal play hotter and more fun.
If you are a bit more adventurous and find a bit of pain arousing, you could try figging. Figging is when you place a bit of skinned ginger in the anus or in the vagina. The ginger can be carved into the shape of a butt plug. Be warned, the burning is intense and many people cannot manage it at all. It will usually peak within 5 minutes and will last about 30 minutes. If you want to build the burning up again, just re-skin the ginger or tighten the muscles of the anus.
Of course there are many erotic activities that focus on the external bum too. Spankings, wax play, and floggings are but a few. Combining stimulation of the bum (light spanking, using your nails to lightly scratch, or rubbing) with anal penetration creates intense orgasms for some people.
Strap-ons are not just for women. Double penetration can be had when a man uses a dildo in a thigh harness to penetrate her ass as his penis penetrates her vagina. Experiment to find the right position for the dildo and go slowly! Feeling completely filled is a sensation that cannot be easily described. Super intense and super hot.