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Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa 1

Part 1

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today we are talking about mismatched desire.

Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.

It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.

Joining me to discuss mismatched desire is Pam Costa founder of Down to There.

After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.

Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.

We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex.

We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire  and mismatched desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur before it is clear if  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.

We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.

We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.

To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.

Check out these links as well:

Blog: Why I started a blog about sex

Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex

TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@drloribethbisbey.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.

For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://drloribethbisbey.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

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