Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the
reality of 50 Shades Part 2
Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. As this podcast contains adult material, if you don’t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.
Today we are continuing our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. If you have not heard part one, please go and download it from iTunes of
.
Last week we focused on some definitions and an introductory discussion around where we found power dynamics, power exchange and BDSM. Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into
some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst andphilosopher to speak on this topic.
We started by talking about reflection and Dr Boileau made the point that there is direct reflection where you think about your thoughts and a pre-reflective and preconscious space where you act on intuition and there is flow and spontaneity.
We spoke about this being so especially when you are exploring anything that involves extreme motivation as sexuality does. Dr Boileau spoke of the daimonic which can turn demonic -aggressive and violent without responsibility or be open to experience, responsible and eros-laden.
We spoke about normative sexual relationships as being dictated by culture, family upbringing and Dr Boileau adds corporatized and dictated by a patriarchal capitalist structure. He describes these as
very routinized relationships and spoke of the structure coming from the 9 to 5 job, Monday to Friday with family obligations at weekends. And that people who step out of this mold can find themselves
shamed.
We spoke about people who explore this type of sexuality as having higher levels of awareness and empathy with a willingness to listen and the interrelational exploration increasing empathy and ability to
communicate.
We then moved on to talk about power more directly.
Dr Boileau highlighted that in the old days power was seen as a thing where as now it is described relationally. So we would look at power as a strategic and tactical relationship and that
describes your place in the dynamic and your ability to make an impact on those around you in a variety of circumstances.
Dr Boileau then went on to say that people who enter in to this exploration have a moral obligation to do it in a way that does not harm psychologically and that this is why it is important to learn
from those who are more experienced. He spoke about the need for people to reflect so that they are not simply acting on impulses saying they need to be in charge of themselves. Then we discussed
the value in having a mentor.
We spoke about the shame people can experience when they engage in something that normative society doesn’t overtly sanction and also how people can feel shame if they are in a committed relationships and they wish to explore but their partner does not.
We spoke of the difficulty couples have when one person grows and changes and said that sometimes the other person may find it hard to support the growth as they are scared of losing their partner
because they do not recognise this person as the one they fell in love with. We agreed that speaking with a psychotherapist who has expertise in working with these areas or a sex coach with expertise in
these areas is important and can make the difference between weathering the difficult patch and creating something great together and the relationship ending.
At the end of the show, I suggested that the next time we talk, we discuss why people would want to engage in BDSM or power exchange as I am often asked this question. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions
you want answered at drbisbey@drloribethbisbey.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://drloribethbisbey.com and click the button that
says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week for part 3 of the series when I speak with Pharoah Khaf-Ra and Empress Nahara, a dominant couple.